three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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