Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
