birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
