I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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