I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
