I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
