Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
