i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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