Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
