plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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