Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
