NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
