During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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