if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
