Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
