She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
