I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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