The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
