The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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