seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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