I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
