I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
