why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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