it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
