i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
