guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
