im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
