I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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