I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
