u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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