Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
