I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
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I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
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I think I sprained my soul last night
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too