life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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