turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
