The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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