Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
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