i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
