wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Randomize
