there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
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On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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