Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
