Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Hippo gnu deer
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.