By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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