my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
