i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
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We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
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I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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