i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
