i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
