the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
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seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
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I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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