my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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