he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
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they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
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Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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