1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
