Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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