I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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