It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
