saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
