I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
