i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
