was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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