i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
