guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
